I had a moment

I have these moments where I say to myself, “maybe this is why ________,” and then I fill in the blank. Maybe this is why my body is breaking down. Maybe this is why I chose UR over SMU. Maybe this is why I never tried for a second child. Maybe this is why my friend died. Maybe this is why I quit drinking. And on and on and on. Sometimes they’re like “aha” moments. Sometimes they’re like “woe is me” moments. Being the self-inquisitive, highly-aware, and keenly-emotional person that I am, my brain is always ON. Especially when it comes to my body, my emotions, and my choices. This morning, I found myself in tears sitting on the bathroom counter, my cat staring at me like he wanted to help but all he really wanted was for me to turn on the faucet. I was having a moment. Long story short, in a conversation with my husband, I realized several things. One, it’s hard for me to ask for help. It’s so much easier for me to help everyone else. Two, I procrastinate when it comes to my health, and my body never forgives me. I am not an athlete anymore and I can’t ignore the little things and still get by. Three, I’ve been avoiding the hard work in favor of shortcuts, possible miracles, and leaning into excuses. There is plenty more, too, but unnecessary to unravel here at this time. I am wired to ask “what if.” It’s at the core of my anxious personality. I worry about making the wrong move, the poor choice, the bad decision. What I need to work on is asking, “what now?” Dialing more into the present instead of the future or the distant past. What can I control NOW? What can I do today that will put me in a better position tomorrow, next month, or a year from now? What small changes can I make that will have the largest impact? I haven’t been crossing a lot of finish lines lately; it feels like I’m crossing more starting lines than anything. But I am incredibly grateful for the ability to start again. Maybe this is why I fell in love with running. No two races are ever the same. Not the starting line, the finish line, or the in-between. There is always another day to try again. To dust yourself off, lace ‘em up, and go. Ah yes, a metaphor for life. That’s the only race I’m trying to finish strong.

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